No, Thanks -- Please Don't Spank!!

Why Hitting Doesn't Work

Spanking is a euphemism for hitting. Regardless of where on the body the child is hit, hitting is still hitting. If hitting a child is not wrong, then nothing is wrong.

We don't allow one parent to hit another, do we? Then why in the world do we allow an adult to hit a much smaller, more vulnerable child?

Any spanking or other form of hitting causes the affects (feelings) of distress, rage, fear, shame, and disgust -- precisely the feelings one does not want to elicit in a child.

Spanking, swatting, shaking, pinching, grabbing, hitting -- all these are physical assaults on the child. They are misguided efforts to gain behavioral compliance. There are always better alternatives. Listening to and talking with your child, using words instead of actions, and understanding the feelings behind the behavior -- these strategies are far more likely than hitting to result in happy, capable, responsible adults.

Parents who hit (spank) their children have run out of alternatives and are at a loss to communicate using words and examples. They themselves are undisciplined and are teaching their children that there is no reasonable way to handle intense emotions. A household in which physical or verbal abuse is used to enforce behavior can affect a child negatively in several ways. It may make the child fearful, withdrawn, and unsure of himself. Or it may produce a bully who imitates the parent's behavior and in turn picks on weaker children and asserts his own need for power and control on others through unpleasant and antisocial acts. But, however the child reacts to "strict" disciplines, you can be sure it is not in a way that helps the child become the best person he or she would be.

Many problems can occur when you hit or yell at your child. First, you may evoke your child's tendency to identify with you and your behavior. This means that because your child wants to be like you, if you hit or yell at him, he may mimic your behavior and respond similarly in similar circumstances. Children often do what is done to them.

Second, if you physically punish a child, the child may think that hitting is the appropriate response to most external challenges or internal upsets such as frustration, anger, fear, or shame.

Third, hitting creates an emphasis on actions instead of on well-chosen and expressive words. Learning to turn actions into the rational expression of words is a very important part of healthy emotional development. It helps the brain put various feelings and frustrations into symbols -- words -- rather than actions or uncontrolled outbursts.

Anny Katan (1961) wrote: "If the child could verbalize his feelings, he could learn to delay action." Using words to express intense feelings helps your child to realize there are many different ways to handle self-expression and to manage emotions; using words allows your child's brain to become more agile in adapting to various situations. Occasionally, of course, words and ideas need to be put into actions in order to make things happen. More usually with infants and children, however, you want to show them how to translate actions and impulsivity into expressive, appropriate words.

A much more effective and healthy alternative to hitting (or yelling at) your child is to help your child develop discipline by teaching him what is appropriate behavior and what is not; by helping him understand how to control his impulses and how to accept delayed gratification; and by helping him develop a solid sense of himself (a particularly useful trait when he becomes a teenager -- it will help him resist negative peer pressure and destructive temptations).

Figuring out how to do all that is not always easy; it relies on the same principles that guide your responses to a child's signals. Again, the basics include: encouraging the expression of the signals; maximizing the signals of fun; attending to the causes of the signals for help; and keeping an eye on your own verbalizations and behavior, because your child sure is. These basics can be stated in many different ways and enhanced by other tricks. For example, remember that praise will work better than criticism, so make a real effort to encourage good behavior. Look for the triggers (tired, hungry, in pain) of "bad" behavior and attend to them. And nurture your child's self-esteem and self-confidence by paying attention to his feelings and respecting them.

Your goal is to teach through example and understanding, not punishment, but sometimes you have to act swiftly and protect your child. When your impulsive child heads for the street, the immediate issue is urgent. But even in such life or death matters, you can make wise choices about how you communicate "Don't run into the street" and what you say afterwards. Terror can enforce behavior, but it cannot produce a child who learns to have confidence in his or her own decision-making abilities -- an essential foundation for self-discipline. Fear alone does not help a child begin to sort out which interesting stimuli are dangerous, which are not, and why. I suggest that even with a young child, after you take the child from harm's way and things have calmed down, you offer an explanation for your actions: "It's dangerous to go into the street. You can get hurt badly and I don't ever want that to happen to you. I got angry because I was scared . . . I was scared you would be hurt. Streets and cars are interesting but they can be very dangerous . . . they can hurt you." You will get better results, and a child will be better able to make responsible decisions about his own safety, if you talk and listen instead of yell, and use words instead of harsh actions in communicating the message.

Copyright © 2006 Paul C. Holinger, M.D.